thee

i did no wrong to thee, why doust thee loathe me?  
Thinking and thinking about why he would hate me? I did no wrong to him... sigh- 
This morning since i woke up, i cried 3 times =(  && this is how the story goes...
This morning, i woke up at 8:45am and was like 'shet' cause i had tutor 9am and was thinking to myself, well i know dad will take me for sure, he always does anyways. And then at 8"50am, i went into the kitchen and dad was like 'you go to tutor yourself' and i was thinking 'wtf? dude you're not like that. wtf is wrong with you? you want me to be late?' Then i was like 'fine', then i went into my room and then i quickly stuffed things into my bag and whilst i was doing so, i heard him say to mum LOUDLY 'i don't give a f* about her anymore, she doesn't want to fix her computer then it's her problem' Honestly, i wanted to cry at that time, but i had no time to so i was full ignoring them. And as i walked towards the door and go, dad said another word 'Everyone has a time  when they're late' and i just ignored that. What do you want to make me more upset? I didn't say anything or do anything to you far out. I was so pissed! omg.. then i went tutor and i full rushed == had no breakfast yet not even water omfg. Such a f*d up day ="( Then when i got home after tutor i just ran into my room, closed the door and pretended to sleep, when really i was crying and shouting. I really needed answers. I mean dad was fine last night? I was just questioning myself, did i do something wrong? is it me that made him angry. Then i got to the point where i asked myself why i am the one that everyone blames things on, am i that easy to blame? do they blame on my because i don't have any reactions whatsoever? I have so many unanswered questions. Then i thought to myself, you know what? i don't care how the f* they look at me, i'm me and who cares what other people think. I don't live to please them! Yes then i was like okay, my face is red, i have swollen eyes, but i need my breakfast. So i went to kitchen and made my breakfast at 12pm. whatever. Then i was like to mum 'can you call dad to pick up my laptop from cousins?' shes like 'your dad told me that we are picking it up tomorrow' when i heard that i held back the tears and just went 'okay fine' then i went into the kitchen and started crying again. omg. what did i do to deserve all this crap? as i ate i was questioning myself all over again. why this. why that. omg. okay then i stopped crying. Went into my room and started packing my luggage. Then during that process i sat down and just starred at the wall and tears started run down my face once again. I didn't think about anything. I think it's because i've been acting strong for too long. I need to show my weak side when i'm alone. yup. i finally agree that i've been acting strong for too long. I can't hide my weak side forever? 
That's it, i can't hide who i really am infront of my parents. I need to show them even if they don't like it. In the end, I DON'T LIVE TO PLEASE THEM. sigh- i've cried for most of the week now. I think it really is my weakest time of the year/ month. Right now, all i need is a hug, a place where i can scream and yell my heart out and to say 'shut the fuck up'  infront of Ivan because he is so fucking annoying and i can't stand it anymore. 
^hmmmm =) i feel so much better now. signing off at 2:23pm =)
OH P.S Happy Birthday Russell =)